April 06, 2011
Feeling like I'm on the losing side of a war again. I feel wholly unattractive and very depressed. I get to go see my doctor Monday, yay. But I'm so worried that there won't be enough time to get two rounds of meds done before M goes away for the summer. My symptoms are spiraling wildly out of control and there's not a damn thing I can do about it until I talk to my doctor. I'm so upset about potentially wasting 3 months of valuable TTC time this summer if I can't get pregnant before then. And I don't want to get my hopes up too high that one or two low dose rounds of clomid is all I'll need. ::sigh:: There's so much pressure coming at me from all different sources. I just don't want to have the same problems my sister does. And I feel responsible for providing at least one more child to the family, if for no other reason than to make my mom and sister happy. Hell, I'd even be okay with twins because I wouldn't have to worry about going through all of this again. I just want to be able to manage the PCOS and stop hating my body again. I've spent too many years of my life feeling trapped in a body that isn't mine - feeling betrayed by my own physical self. I want to be able to like myself again. Stupid fucking PCOS.