May 31, 2012

Game Plan Redux

I feel like I've written 3 or 4 times before about what "the plan" was. And then it changed. It always changes. So this is me, re-stating the plan. The new-new-new-plan. Let's hope it actually follows through.

My post-op appointment went well - no crying, no freaking out. I'm in a very good place right now, mentally. But then, I am taking very good care of myself. I hid my pregnant facebook friends, I refuse to linger over pregnant women in public or entertain any of my "woe is me" thought patterns. Life is good right now and I know that even if we don't have a baby, there will be other good things eventually. Matt will get a job someday and we will be able to get a house and a dog. I have my wonderful family and my thankfully non-pregnant and mostly single IRL friends. There is a good chance if I have a baby, it will not be incredibly out of sync with the rest of my close peer group. I have my crafts and hobbies and there are many ways I am constantly trying to improve myself. I have a very full life without children so far and there is no reason to think that ever needs to change.

I can only pray that I stay this even keeled. Dr. B informed me we can go back to TTC in 4 weeks or after my next AF, whichever comes later. Its so much easier to stay calm when I'm not actively trying. I did pull out my thermometer again. I thought temping without charting would be a good way to get my feet wet. Good to get back into the useful habit while leaving out the bad, obsessive habit of staring at my chart, willing it to tell me what it all means.

We still don't know if the surgery has helped. We won't know until I either spontaneously start cycling on my own or I go back on clomid and they can measure my response. There is that scary statistic hanging over my head: 20% of women experience no measurable effect from the surgery. ::sigh:: Well, it would be nice to have such a definitive answer.

I'm sorry I haven't been as active lately. Not posting as much and not commenting as much either. I am lurking though, keeping up to date with all your goings on, I promise.

May 30, 2012

The War on Curly Hair

Another Fertility-Free post, sorry if they are less interesting. I promise to write a big, long post after my appointment tomorrow and then get back to my regularly scheduled, fertility related, crazy-pants self ::wink::

So, who are my curly haired sisters out there? Any wavy girls (cause you count, too!)? My curly hair is one of my best loved features (and I have so few: my eyes, my collar bones...that's about it). But I didn't always love it and it wasn't always curly. When I was a kid, I had bone straight hair, not a hint of curl. Around age 12/13 my hair rather suddenly got a rougher and bushier texture - it was horrible trying to deal with it through Jr. High! My mom finally got fed up with my weird hair and took me to her stylist who announced "Well no wonder, she's got curly hair!" I was so confused, but apparently hormones can make your hair curl.

From the time I learned my hair was curly until about a year ago I had a serious love/hate relationship with my hair. When it was good it was very, very good and when it was bad it was *awful*! And I could never tell when bad hair days would strike, they seemed so random. I could spend a half an hour on my hair in the morning and it might look like I just rolled out of bed. Frizz was impossible to tame through all known means. And remember, this was back in the rather early days of the internet. No youtube to find videos on how to manage curly hair, naturally curly dot com didn't even exist, so I was very much on my own. I lived with my hair this way for 14 years before finally *finally* figuring out what I was doing wrong.

At Barnes and Noble one day last year, I found The Curly Girl Guidebook on clearance. I leafed through it and knew I had to buy it. I went home, read the book cover to cover, watched the videos on the DVD and knew my hair's life would never be the same. It turns out that 90% of commercial hair products are formulated with straight hair in mind (even products that claim they are for curly hair). Straight hair and curly hair are structurally *very* different and therefore have very different washing and care needs. Who knew!? Not me, that's for sure. To combat frizz, companies load up their conditioners and styling products with silicones which coat the hair shaft and force it to behave. The hair has no access to air and water, which is what creates frizz. However, silicone is not water soluble, so you can't just rinse it out of your hair - it takes a strong surfactant to wash out the silicone or it will build up on your hair and make it dull and very unhealthy. Most shampoos contain sulfates to be able to wash out tricky chemicals like silicone from the hair - sounds like a simple enough solution, right? Except that sulfates are incredibly *harsh* cleansers which strip the hair shaft of everything including its own natural and necessary oils. This is not a terribly bad thing for people with straight hair because they have more oily hair to begin with. Curly people on the other hand have more dry hair because the oil originates at the scalp and our kinky texture keeps the oils from sliding down the hair shaft. So we strangle our hair with silicones and then strip them of nutrients with harsh sulfates and this creates very sad, unhealthy, and unlovely looking curly hair. Not to mention all the damage you can do to it by flat ironing it! I was so guilty of this, especially in the summer when humidity made my hair a frizz-ball unless I ironed it. I have permanently retired my once beloved flat iron.

I had to throw away all my shampoos and conditioners, as well as some of my styling products. I pitched my brushes and combs. At first I was very afraid that the only products on the market without dangerous chemicals would be *super* expensive, but I have been happily surprised to find many "drug store" quality brands that will not harm my hair. I have been sulfates and silicone free for almost a year now.

Until earlier this week when I had to buy more conditioner. I'd found a popular, reasonably priced brand at the grocery store which had none of the chemicals I avoid and was very good for my hair, so I had used it for some time. When I went to use it in the shower, the texture came out *very* different that I was used to. I ran it throughout my hair and knew something was wrong. I quickly checked the ingredients on the bottle and found they had added SILICONE! Without saying anything! No, "new and improved formula!" or any bullshit like that. I was horrified. I had to use a clarifying shampoo (hello harsh sulfates) to get it out and then do a protein treatment. I was SO MAD at the company for changing the formula! Fortunately, I was able to return the offending item to the store and pick up a different conditioner with a label pronouncing "no silicones!". Damn straight, no silicones...

For the first time in my life, I love my hair. I love the way it looks, I love caring for it and I love knowing that it will look beautiful almost every day. And when I do have a rare bad hair day, I know what to do about it. And I've gotten good at noticing the subtle ways that the media and popular public perception try to make curly hair sound like a bad thing. I watched a segment on a Saturday morning talk show that promised to help women with frizz issues. Every single one of the women they showed obviously had some degree of curly hair (whether wavy, or truly curly) that simply wasn't being managed well. The "expert's" solution to their hair woes was to dump a bunch of chemicals on them and flat iron the shit out of it. I got so mad (silly, I know) because it was clear to me they were implying "curly hair ugly, straight hair pretty!". I guess you could say I'm a militant curly girl, and there's just no going back. Why would I *want* to go back when  finally love my hair? I wish I could spread the good word to every frizzy haired woman who can't understand why her hair won't behave. Curly hair is *beautiful*, don't believe a word the "experts" say!

May 25, 2012

Fertility Free Friday: Get Your Glee On!

I have zero fertility related things to blog about, so its a perfect opportunity to take advantage of a meme many of you bloggers follow regularly. And there are so many things I could talk about, but what kept me awake last night was thinking about the show Glee. (Warning: if you watch the show and haven't finished this season, don't read this).

I admit it, I watch Glee. Not religiously - I'm not a "gleek" (worst fan nickname ever. To "gleek" is to produce a projectile spit. Dentists are often accidentally "gleeked" on). I've followed the show since the beginning and the first two seasons were a bit hokey, but so darn cute and the show had so much promise. I loved that all the incidental music was performed by an a capella group. Mr. Schuester wasn't as creepy and obnoxious back then and the story lines were a little less after-school-special than they are now. And yes, I loved the music. I am a musical freak, so Glee is sort of what high school was like in my head. I think its stupid that they cast people as capable as Lea Michelle and then autotune the crap out of them, but what can you do; American Idol is ruining any sense of what *real* vocals sound like.

I don't know when it started going downhill exactly. I mean it was never on top, it was always a quirky, odd-ball show with a niche audience. But something has changed and the quality and trajectory of the show is not what I had hoped for. First of all, it has become *way* too preachy and sanctimonious. Seems like every episode has a Public Service Announcement to make. Remember back in the 90's when family sit-coms ruled network television and now and then there was: A Very Special Episode of Full House/Family Matters/Blossom - Someone would have an eating disorder, or an abusive parent, a drug problem, or engage in *gasp* underage drinking! Imagine if *every single episode* was one of those godawful "very special episodes". That's basically what Glee has devolved into. I can understand wanting to address issues affecting teens, but...the way they are doing it is so preachy and clunky as to lead one to wonder "are these issues that teens are actually talking about or are they issues the writers *think* that teens *aught* to be talking about"? It doesn't feel true, honest, or organic at all. And for some of the PSA plots there's very little lead in for it to seem plausible.

This season the female coach, Ms. Beast, met a man, fell in love, and got married. Every interaction we ever saw with Cooter (where do they come up with these ridiculous names??), he was a sweet, adorable, smitten man. Then about 4 episodes from the end of the season he hauls off and punches Beast because she hadn't done the dishes. Uhhhhhhhhhhh, what? I believe that domestic violence is a very serious issue, no laughing matter, etc. But they made it sound like there is no way in the world to know if the man you are with could ever hurt you. Nice guys can just pop off and beat you one day with no warning. Whaaaaaa?? I'm sorry, but nothing in my 7 years of schooling in psychology and counseling *ever* led me to think that there are no warning signs for men with anger problems and the potential for domestic abuse. But that's how they presented it on the show. And I think that's just plain wrong. Plus that whole plot felt shoe-horned in and completely unnecessary, which does a serious disservice to the cause of domestic violence awareness.

The music has suffered too over the seasons. They used to write a story and then insert music that fit the plot points and emotions of the characters. Now, with many weeks being THEME WEEK on Glee, it feels like they pick the music and write stories to justify the use of that set of songs. Blech! Not to mention when the characters sing now it many times turns into some crappy mini-music video with the singers apparating from the choir room to the auditorium with full lights, costumes, and back up singers. I also finding it HI-larious that whenever New Directions is seen at a competition, their group is fleshed out with background singers who you've never seen before and will never see again.

All of this would be 100% forgiven if the show was just a *little* more self-aware. And that's not to say that it is totally unaware of itself now. Some of the best humor comes from little throw away lines the writers stick in to cheerfully poke fun at themselves. For example, after several episodes in a row where Brittany was seen but given no lines, she says to someone "I didn't talk for a couple weeks" or something like that. It was so funny to see that insider humor. There's little treasures like that scattered sparsely throughout every episode of Glee and its those nuggets of genuine humor that keep me watching. Because I *know* the show is capable of being funny and light-hearted and genuine and meaningful. Its just too bad that 9 times out of 10 they miss the mark completely.

So, any fellow Glee watchers out there? Wanna come out of the shadows and fess up to your guilty pleasure? (pleasure seems like a strong word when I spend half of every episode rolling my eyes or making prolonged "uuuuugh" sounds). Do you think that Glee is just as good as ever (or maybe was never any good at all)? Are you also getting tired of the weekly PSA's? Discuss!

May 21, 2012

Healing Nicely

Thank you, everyone for your well wishes, your thoughts, and your prayers. I am truly grateful for this wonderful community of women!

I'm still here, still recuperating. My incision spots hurt now and then, especially when I cough a lot. I'm getting back into my normal diet and my normal routine. I even went to work for a few hours this morning! And then I took a nap, haha. I haven't had any vicodin for 2 days, but I'm definitely taking one before bed tonight.

I have been a very bad girl and given up on taking my birth control pills as of 2 days after my surgery. I was spotting the whole time I was taking them anyways and I don't think they were contributing to my mental well being. The chances of my ovulating spontaneously in the next few weeks and miraculously ending up pregnant are so stupidly slim that I am more than willing to risk it. ::eye roll: Sheesh. I have enough pills to keep track of right now anyway.

I wish I could spend the next several days speculating over signs or symptoms that the surgery has worked and my body is now producing less toxic levels of testosterone, but that's just not the way it works. And I know very little of what to expect in the coming two months since I haven't talk to Dr. B, just kinda hanging out. I do not feel incredibly anxious about all this down time and I'm very glad of it. I'm so tired of hating everything about this rotten journey. There's nothing I can do to make it go any faster or smoother, so at this point I just want to hate it as little as possible. I would like to try to have a baby and at the same time feel okay if it doesn't happen for us. That's my ideal, that's my goal mindset.

May 18, 2012

Rumors of my Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated...

I'm a little achy, a little sleepy, and a little distracted, so you guys get bullet points!

  • surgery went fine, but I was stuck in recovery for 4 hours because I was coughing up so much liquid and my lungs sounded "crackly".
  • Holy endometriosis, Batman - they found stage 2 endometriosis on the back side of my uterus! I would never in a million years have guessed that I have endometriosis.
  • Drugs are gooooooooooooood.
  • I now know what early pregnancy feels like between my distended lower abdomen and my inability to hold more than a half bladder full of pee.
  • On a non-surgery related note, the dog problem that was pushing me over the edge into full on mental breakdown is solved. Let us never speak of it again. 
All in all, I am in good spirit and hoping to heal up quickly. Right now I walk pretty slow, but at least I'm walking. I'm way behind on reading and commenting - I promise I'll catch up soon. And once I've had my 2 week post-op visit I'll have more to say about my surgery, because for now I don't know much.

May 15, 2012

I'm Still Here

I think its pretty clear I have been going through a not-good time lately. I'm nowhere near out of the woods either. In fact, the crap and the stress just keep piling up. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll end this year with an ulcer.

The cat still isn't using his litter pan with, what I would think is, sufficient regularity. Do we wait it out? Do we take him back to the vet (goodbye more money that we don't have)? I don't know.

The new stress is that my parents have finally decided they have to find a new home for one of their dogs. They have two cairn terriers, whose personalities are as different as the color of their fur. The one is getting old and has lost most of his hearing. He's old, a little skittish, and kind of crabby, but we love him. The other, Ralph, is about 3 or 4 years younger, but acts like a puppy - TONS of energy. This causes many doggie disagreements and they've been getting worse. Ralph needs more attention and exercise than my parents can give because their jobs require long hours and are high stress and my parents are getting older. God I hate saying parents are getting *older* ::shiver:: Anyway, my mother finally admitted this is not a good situation for either dog and so, with much regret and pain, she has asked me to find Ralph a new home. Cue epic stress ball that I did not need to add to my collection. Obviously, I want to make sure I find him a safe, happy, and healthy home. My mom cries at the thought of him being mistreated. Add to this that my dad is "fed up" with dealing with the two dogs and things at my parents' house are... well, "not going well" is putting it ever so lightly. So I'm under a lot of pressure to place Ralph quickly in order to alleviate some of the strain on my parents' relationship.

Sound fucked up enough?

Cause there's more.

But I don't have the time, inclination, or emotional energy to write about the rest of it.

I've decided to start praying for *acceptance* and *contentment* in all situations. So much of what is stressing me out these days is far beyond my control. I have no way of knowing where the end is or what form it will take. The only thing I can hope or ask for is to weather the storm and not make it worse by railing against it (doesn't do any good anyway). It has turned out to be a very good thing that I am not actively trying to get pregnant right now.

May 11, 2012

The Cat Came Back

Thank you to everyone who left me such kind and supportive comments on my freak out post. I really think I had a mini mental breakdown and it took me a good 24 hours to put myself back together (with tons and tons of help from M). I am still not feeling very positive or hopeful, but I am managing to keep the doom and gloom thoughts at bay and not cry over every tiny thing.

It helps a lot that we finally figured out what was wrong with our cat: constipation. Seriously?? Those were some scary symptoms for such a simple problem! The vet gave him an enema and got him to pass some feces. We brought him home and offered him some canned food (which he has never eaten in his life) with a little pumpkin puree. He didn't eat right away, but overnight he gobbled it up and licked all the gravy out of the dish. Woohoo! That's progress! If we can get him to eat some more canned food and pumpkin, hopefully he will poop in his pan today or tomorrow. Otherwise we have to go back to the vet for a prescription laxative.

I told my sister, J, on Wednesday that if we haven't made significant strides towards getting pregnant by the end of this year, I may be ready to call it quits. There is so much about PCOS that has to be managed besides the infertility and its very hard to do without drugs I can't be on while TTC. I also think that if we do get pregnant, and keep it, I would be fine with only one child. I don't know that I have the emotional fortitude to go through this a second time. Especially considering Dr. B told me the effects of ovarian drilling only last 3 years at best (then why did Dr. G tell me the effects would last 5 years??).

Mel had an excellent post over at Stirrup Queens called "You will get through this too". Its about surviving Mother's Day, but it can be applied to any difficult event or phase in one's life. I will get through infertility, M's job search, and being poor because I've gotten through other incredibly difficult times in my life before. Its always worst when you are *in* it, but afterwards the trials don't seem as impossibly bad. I'm going to try to keep that in mind while I wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.

May 10, 2012

It Hits the Fan

The proverbial shit, that is.

My cat is sick. One vet appointment and $250 later, we still have no idea what's wrong with him, as his blood and urine came back totally healthy and normal. So why isn't he eating, why isn't he drinking, and why hasn't he used his pan? I feel like he'll be dead in a week and I'll never know why.

I don't know if it was the worry over the cat, or just a combination of *everything* that has sucked lately, but I started crying at the doctor's office yesterday and didn't stop for several hours. For the first time, Dr. B was not remotely reassuring to me. We were supposed to just go over the surgery and answer any questions I had. Somehow we got to talking about how out of control my PCOS symptoms feel and basically what he said was, if I haven't cut every scrap of carbs out of my diet, I'm not trying hard enough and I have nothing to complain about. He then followed up that helpful tidbit by telling me that for some women, they can be on the best med combinations, exercise, and never touch carbs, and *maybe* their symptoms won't get any worse - they won't improve any, but at least they won't get worse. Cue noose tying...

I honestly don't know why everything Dr. B said was about the worst thing anyone could say to me, but it kept going. He's got diabetes and you don't see him crying - sure he misses carbs. And wouldn't I feel worse if I had, say, cancer? See, its not so bad when you compare it to something that is really bad. I wanted to scream at him that I'm not interested in playing the pain olympics. Instead I just cried. Cried out of frustration, cried out of pure exhaustion. Cried because I get the distinct feeling that God doesn't like me very much. That everything I am doing is wrong, and that's why I'm failing miserably. And you know what? There is a good chance the PCOS will kill me eventually. It increases my risks for developing all kinds of serious health problems. And it only gets worse as I get older. And there is no cure. So his cancer comparison is pretty fucking stupid, if you ask me.

I don't feel hopeful at all and anyone suggesting I should be, I just want to punch in the face. I'm not going to get pregnant, I'm never going to lose a shred of weight no matter how hard I try, and as Dr. B so kindly pointed out to me, every gram of carbs I eat is poisoning me. So now every meal is fraught with guilt. Like I don't have enough of that right now. I can't beat something that has complete control over my body, with a viscous cycle that feeds back into itself making things worse and worse. No matter what anyone says, we never "beat" PCOS, we just sometimes get very lucky and can work around it. I don't at all feel like I'm going to be one of those lucky people.

I cried harder yesterday than I have in a long time, probably since my sister lost the triplets. Deep body wracking sobs that made my hyperventilate.  I don't feel any better today. I had hoped that with sleep, peace would come. I feel...empty, desolate, devoid of anything positive. I think we are going to blow through our savings waiting for M to find a job. I think my cat is going to die. I think I'm going to spend the next ten years getting fatter, hairier, and more barren if that's even possible.

I really need *something* good to happen. But I just can't bring myself to believe that is possible anymore.

May 07, 2012

Hooked Again

These are MINE
Get it? It's a *pun*!

I inherited a ton of crochet supplies from my grandma when we went to move her last weekend. Quilting was a big craft in my family, but I didn't realize both my grandmother and great-grandmother were big in crocheting too. My grandma had a couple of unfinished projects stored away and that was enough to get me to pick up my crochet hook again and start working. I found a bunch of granny squares and set about stitching them together for a small throw. My cat has already claimed it for himself. When I finish with this small project I'm going to start a blanket or afghan or *something*. It just felt so good to crochet again. And I like knowing that I am using things from my grandma. Even though I am the one piecing together the granny squares throw, it is still something *she* made and I will be able to remember her by when she's gone.

I keep forgetting to go the store and pick up my birth control prescription. I think part of the problem is I will have to take a pregnancy test before starting them and I just don't want to. Even knowing 100% that it will be negative doesn't keep it from hurting. And then feeling completely stupid for even having *done* the test when I *knew* it would be negative. I'll have to suck it up and do it anyway. I'm so ready for this surgery - I really wish it could be this Thursday instead of next. I'm ready for it to be done and I'm ready for a few guilt free days of lying around and sleeping.

I've started compiling an infertility play list. There are 4 songs that I've thought of so far which I strongly associate with my situation or have used to try to regain my courage to keep fighting. I think it may take me a few weeks to come up with a full playlist, but I'm happy to have this mini-project. It really helps me when I have music to listen to that perfectly fits my mood and right now, IF is definitely a *mood*.

Wouldn't it be Lovely

I've been journaling since I was about 12 years old and blogging since 2003 when I got a membership code for LiveJournal from a friend (yeah, remember when LiveJournal was an exclusive community where you had to get an invite code to join??). "Barrenness" is my newest blog-venture and the most focused of all my writing. Usually I spew out whatever thoughts are dominating my mind in order to quell any lingering Drama Llama tendencies I have hanging over from adolescence. My journals have never been shared with such a wide "audience" and for the first time in my life, I am more comfortable with complete strangers reading about me than people I know IRL.

But you guys don't feel like strangers; more like kindred spirits. I don't select blogs to follow lightly. I like to feel a connection or a similarity in temperament or humor. Mrs. M over at Seriously NOT Pregnant fulfills all three. I enjoy her candor and sense of humor about the struggles of infertility and dealing with people who just. don't. get it. I'd like to say a big thank you to you, Mrs. M - for making me smile on days I can't do it for myself and for nominating me for this award! My very first :-D 

Here are the steps to follow after receiving this award:

  • Share who gave it to you with a link back to their blog. (See above)
  • Write down seven random facts about yourself.
  • Give this award to fifteen other bloggers.
  • Let them know they've won.
  • Pop the award on your blog.
Seven Random Facts about me:

  1. I started and have not finished 2 master's degrees: Social Work and Marriage and Family Counseling. They each require an intense internship (700 hours for counseling) that I am not able to complete because I have to be employed full time right now. Plus, my fertility (such as it is) has an expiration date whereas I can go back to school any time. I still play armchair psychologist daily.
  2. I am so afraid of bees. And wasps, hornets, yellow jackets - all those stinging, flying things. I was stung on my eyelid when I was 3 or 4 and I've been scared of them ever since.
  3. I love singing. Anyone who has been in the car with me for more than 5 minutes has heard me sing. I sing *constantly*. M jokes that in my head, the world is just a big musical. And he tells me all the time that I have a beautiful voice ::blush::.
  4. I am afraid of the dark. Yep, still. I have a *wild* imagination that makes up all kinds of terrifying things that will happen to me in the dark. Some nights I'm certain a murderer has quietly broken into our, locked and completely secure, apartment and is hiding in the closet or the shower to jump out and kill me. I....might need therapy, LOL!
  5. Up until the age of 12, I had bone straight hair. After that, it turned curly. Weirdest thing ever. It was very hard getting used to it and there were several years of unfortunate school pictures, but now I wouldn't trade my curly hair for the world.
  6. My sister and I both married the best friends of the last guys we dated. And in my case, that guy ended up the best man at our wedding and is still one of my best friends.
  7. Every pet in my family has a unique "voice" that fits their personality. We have extensive conversations with our pets, saying what we imagine their responses are in their "voice". I've never met another family that does this, but its crazy entertaining!
I would like to give this award to the following blogs:

I would nominate Rachel at Eggs in a Row, but her blog has been off-line for some time now. I hope she is okay... I really miss her blog.

May 03, 2012

Idle Hands

With my surgery scheduled, and two weeks away, I'm just not sure what to do with myself. IF engulfs my life so completely at times that without it, I'm not sure how to function in the absence of all the obsessing. I really need a long-term project or an event to look forward to. Preferably both. But with a *very* tight (and getting tighter) budget, there's nothing for me to do. I can't work on curtains for the apartment because we don't have money for it anymore. I can't house hunt because its too depressing - so many adorable, affordable houses on the market right now and no hope for being in a situation to buy any time soon. I started helping M with his job search; googling like crazy to find openings he may have missed. But that's not something I can do everyday, maybe once a week - jobs don't come up that frequently.

I'm happiest when I am working towards something, but right now it feels like everything is stalled. My education is stalled, finding a house is stalled, baby-making is stalled, finding M a job is stalled. Soon I will start growing moss...

And its not about filling the hours in my days, I can do that just fine more often than not. But the things I am doing don't tie into any larger goals or long term plans. Even if I spent all my time volunteering for charities and keeping my apartment spotless clean I'd still have this feeling of pointlessness because nothing is changing in my life. I am exactly where I was one year ago, only with less money and less hopeful feelings about building my family.

Please, Lord, please let M find a job soon. Without it we are floating aimlessly.

May 02, 2012

Cooler Head Prevails

Sorry for the outburst yesterday. I realize it was a lot of screaming over something that is not a very big deal. Seven days, I mean it doesn't make *that* big of a difference.

I feel like a character in a sitcom who is trying to remain calm while a bunch of stuff goes wrong around them. And with each new disaster they smile, take a deep breath, and insist everything is going to be fine. Until that final little trivial thing goes wrong and they *snap* and start freaking out about everything. That's me. All the time. Because the disasters have been heaping up for a long time. So now each new problem is the last straw for me - over and over and over.

My surgery is scheduled. May 17th, 2:45pm. Now that we have an extra week for prep, I have a pre-op appointment and a prescription for birth control. This does not make me feel any better about the delay, but I suppose it is a consolation prize of sorts. My post-op appointment is two days before a wedding in which I am the matron of honor...sure hope there aren't any serious complications...

I did learn a little more about the surgery-with-the-worst-name-ever: ovarian drilling is performed on both ovaries (I had wondered if it would be one or the other), the surgery takes about an hour, and I have to go to the main house of the hospital for it (I had assumed they could do it in the office because they are outfitted for IVF egg retrieval, which is a kind of surgery, really).

I'm refraining from making sarcastic, depressing status updates on Facebook about all this. I haven't told anyone but family, my close co-workers, and two friends about the surgery. I mean really, who *wants* to talk about a procedure called "ovarian drilling". It sounds like a medieval form of torture.

I will now entertain suggestions for what to do with myself while I recuperate. I will probably be sleeping a lot, but I need some tv shows (available for online viewing preferably), movies, and book suggestions. I have a Nook (new from my birthday in March!), but I am not a book purchaser, more of a book borrower. I've blown through all the books I already requested from the library, so I need new ideas. And don't say "The Hunger Games" because the wait list is about a year long. I'd really like to start a new crochet projects, but I'm waiting to start something for J's baby (I am waiting until the "age of viability" to buy/make anything in deference to my sister's wishes).

Speaking of the baby, did I mention IT'S A BOY! J went in for a quick u/s before we went out of town this past weekend, and they just happened to notice the baby's legs splayed wide open and a very obvious penis just hanging out there. We were hoping for a girl, but honestly, anything healthy will make us all deliriously happy. At least someone in my family is successfully carrying on our genes...

May 01, 2012

My New Hobby

My new hobby is apparently taking months long hiatuses (hiati?) from TTC and doing nothing but wasting time.

Dr. B's office called. Finally. While I was in the shower. Of course. And the message left said that, while *their* schedule was open for me to have surgery on the 10th, the main house surgery unit had a conflict. So we have to re-schedule. And its lunch time in their office, so the phone line won't accept any messages. No, I have to wait until 1pm to leave a message because no one ever answers the nurse line. And then wait for a call back which may or may not happen today. Or tomorrow. Or the next day. To *hopefully* schedule the surgery for 17th. Which means TTC in July is most likely not an option anymore.

Okay God, I am so done with you teaching me patience. Fuck your patience. Why can't something go right for me?? Why is this taking so damn long? My friend is pregnant with her SECOND CHILD. At this rate I will be very, very lucky to have ONE child in my entire child-bearing years.

I have noticed, in the past month, that my emotions vacillate wildly these days. My frustration is on a hair-pin trigger anymore. I jump right to the most negative conclusion possible until it is proven otherwise. I still bounce back from these downer trips quickly, if the occasion calls for it. Like yesterday with the insurance mix up and phone call. I was nearly in tears one minute and laughing and smiling 10 minutes later.

I'm glad I can still bounce back quickly, but I don't know how to control my immediate drop into despair at the slightest set back. I'm just so. tire. of WAITING! Tell me yes, you'll have children, or tell me no, its not possible so I can MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE! Instead of living with my head in the guillotine, wondering if or when the blade will fall.

After months and months of negative tests, zero progress, and my body proving time and again it is more jacked up than I ever thought, its hard to not assume the worst. Why *would* something good happen now? The past year and some has taught me to expect nothing good - only more challenge, more heartache, more disappointment. I don't really see an end to this battle...just more failure, more wasted time, cycle after cycle. I almost don't know what I'm doing. What? I'm trying to get pregnant? Because it seems like all the doctors appointments, blood draws, pills, and ultrasounds are just about learning how effed up my body is. How bad will it be this month? What new, unexpected setback will we find this cycle? Its a fun game and it ends when I am emotionally and physically exhausted and have decided, okay I think I know now how broken I am.

This isn't "TTC", it's just self-abuse.