August 30, 2012

And its 16mm in the lead!

Next cycle, I think I might come up with goofy horse names for the top 5 follicles or so - then if I have to have a repeat scan I can amuse myself with a horse race narrative in my head XD Anything to keep infertility funny, ya know?

Well, the good news is, one folly took the lead and is still growing. I was kid of hoping for a two-fer, but beggars can't e choosers. I have managed to, so far, avoid the Femara discussion. The Guru told me to start OPKs Friday or Saturday and I may ovulate Monday. We'll see. I suppose I should start writing down my temps each morning in order to get a better idea of when/if I ovulate. Labor day may be Sexy Time day in my household ;-) Yeah, that was a lame joke...

So I've been researching gluten-free diet restrictions, in case my skin biopsy comes back positive for dermatitis herpetiformis. Not cool, guys, not cool. Goodbye pizza, goodbye fake crab which I lovingly refer to as K-rab, goodbye beer unless I can track down one of two non-shitty gluten free beers available in the U.S. Thank GOD I don't have celiac disease where gluten could give me all kinds of scary symptoms. I think, I HOPE, if I give up the major gluten offenders (many of which I have already cut out or cut down on to be low carb), then I can still get away with sauces, dressings, marinades, and other tasty liquids which are laced with gluten. I just might get a little itchy if I over-indulge. We'll see if that is in fact the case. This is going to make eating out at restaurants very....interesting.

Also, did any of my fellow PCOSers see this? I don't watch Dr. Oz or The Doctors or any of those medical daytime talk shows, so I guess I'm behind the curve. But my PCOS Awareness group on FB posted the link to this research article. I'm willing to be a guinea pig! Found a reputable lab that sells this supplement online and am thinking of trying it out. Its just so damn frustrating to be eating WAY healthier than the average American and STILL be over-weight! My sister has lost around 15 lb. during her pregnancy, despite not changing her diet (she already ate well) or exercise. Her doctors keep reminding her "While you're pregnant, the PCOS is kept in check, all your hormones are behaving themselves, so it makes sense that you would lose weight". How sick is this disease??? Ugh!

Anyway, happy Labor Day weekend to my fellow Americans, and regular happy weekend to the rest of you!

August 28, 2012

Follicle Update

I gotta tell you, M getting a job has done *wonders* for my ability to cope with infertility. My CD12 ultrasound was today (although I think I'm actually CD13....look at that! I'm not even sure what CD I'm on!!) and the ovaries appear to be behaving themselves. Each one has a 13mm follicle and several smaller non-contenders.

This is good, but not as good as last cycle when I had my u/s on CD11 and had a 15mm follicle. The PCOS Guru suggested I come back for another u/s on Thursday to make sure the follicles keep growing. If M didn't have a job, I would have had to say, "that would be nice, but there's no way I can afford it" - so thank GOD I was able to say "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea". If the 2 front runner follicles stagnate, I know they will want to stair-step me. I'm not sure how I feel about I will want to discuss with them whether clomid just isn't going to be a reliable option for me and should we just move on or not.

Under previous conditions, the not knowing would be making me bonkers right now. Thankfully I am feeling okay. No matter what happens, M and I are moving forward with our lives. Whether there is a baby in our future or not, I know we are going to be okay. Doesn't mean all the people getting pregnant around me won't affect me or ever upset me, but I know in the long run I could be okay.

We got a pre-approval letter from one of the banks we are thinking of getting our mortgage from *and* we've chosen our realtor, so we are all set to go look at houses this coming weekend!

Oh, one other health note: I finally got a referral to a dermatologist for the mysterious itchy patches I have been battling on and off since February. They took 2 biopsies and the Dr. thinks its from a mild gluten allergy. Aren't I just sooooo lucky :-P ::sigh:: It can be a little tricky going low carb and gluten free. A lot of the gluten free products I've seen at the grocery have more carbs than the low carb equivalent products...

August 24, 2012

When it Rains, it Pours

Oh, hello there.

Sorry about the absence, everything just came down all at once and I haven't had time to catch my breath until now. I have been reading and keeping up with each of your journeys, but I haven't been commenting much.

M started work this week. They are going to keep him very busy. Next week they have him scheduled for training for 10 hours every day. Yay overtime! But Boo, no husband time :-(

On the housing front, we have picked a realtor and are now moving forward with getting pre-approved for a loan from 3 different banks. I like to have options because I'm a control freak like that. We are so busy that we don't have time to look at houses with our realtor until *next* weekend. Ah well, such is life. We are still hopeful that we will move by November or at the latest, by the end of the year.

In cycling news (nope, not that kind of cycling), I'm back on 100mg clomid again - crossing my fingers that it works 2 cycles in a row. Interestingly, Dr. B wanted to up my dose to 150mg (my CD3 u/s was with the PCOS Guru, so we were just reading notes from Dr. B in my chart) - I'm assuming because he knows my history of ovulating on a certain dose one month, but failing the next. I can understand that, but I feel like the ovarian drilling surgery "reset" my body and I'm still learning what my new baseline is, you know? I reacted that way to clomid *before* the surgery. I would like to see if surgery has corrected this response because if it hasn't that will tell me a LOT. If I don't ovulate this month I will probably ask to switch to Femara.

This weekend will be rather emotional for me. My sister's baby shower is tomorrow and her friend asked that we each write a letter blessing the baby. Just thinking of things to write makes me well up with tears. I'm helping with the food for the shower, so I have a lot of work to get done tonight so I can just assemble food tomorrow. But assembling food had to be pushed back to the late morning because I told my mom I would go to the vet with her. One of her dogs is very old and took a turn for the worse yesterday. She is thinking they will tell her its time to put him to sleep so he doesn't suffer :-( He has lived a long life and all, but I definitely don't want my mom to go alone because she loves her dogs like family. So that's not going to be a fun way to start my day and then try to perk up for the baby shower... ::sigh::

Have I mentioned that I need a vacation? Really bad. I didn't take more than a 3 day weekend at any point this summer because A.) I'm saving up leave time to spend with my sister and the baby, and B.) We had no money to go anywhere or do anything anyway. And now, with all the stress (good stress, but still stress) of FINALLY moving forward with our lives and EVERYTHING we put on hold until now, I just really need to get away somewhere quiet and calm where I can rest and reflect on everything.

My next u/s is on Tuesday to check for follicle growth and I'll update you all on that since it could make or break my cycle.

August 16, 2012

That is One ANGRY Uterus

CD1, finally - and with a vengeance. My uterus is so mad it feels like its strangling my intestines! Thank God for ibuprofen otherwise I'm not sure I could have stayed at work. So my luteal phase post-surgery is still a LONG and healthy 16 days. Yay for definitely NOT having any luteal phase problems. But seriously - 16 DAYS! This is why I test every month even though I hate testing. Because if I didn't I would be waiting SOOOO long before having that conciliatory glass of wine each month.

Now we will see if my body can produce the same results two months in a row - cross your fingers!

And in the mean time, I can have fun house hunting!

August 13, 2012

Crazy Monday

My head is in a million places at once today. I considered not even updating. But its so therapeutic to get things out and written you get bullet points since I am incapable of a narrative that makes any sense.

  • Girls' weekend was a lot of fun and I got started on the baby blanket for my sister :-)
  • Got a BF...N?P?N? on Sunday, so  tested again this morning to get a clearer answer: BFN, for sure. Not really upset about it since I am overwhelmed with the thought of M's new job, house hunting, moving, and getting settled in a new community.
  • Drove around a little of the city we are thinking of moving to in order to get a feel for the neighborhoods. There was even an open house at one of the houses I liked online! It was so cute! And very reasonably priced :-) But we can't get ahead of ourselves. Need to get pre-approved for a loan, find a real estate agent, all that jazz. I will go crazy with everything that needs to be done!
  • The official job offer came this morning for M. He was actually offered the higher end of the range he told them, which is *awesome*! I'm so excited for him!!! He starts work on the 20th!
  • Its a good thing I got good news from M this morning, because *my* office is a cluster-fuck. I walked in this morning to several changes that none of the admin staff were made aware of and an office supply cabinet that looked like it had been beaten with a baseball bat. Apparently the "higher ups" in my dept wanted to move said cabinet and it "fell apart" (because it was FULL of SUPPLIES which should have been REMOVED before they tried to MOVE IT!). So I and the only other employee present today spent an hour cleaning up a huge mess that we didn't make and no one ever said "sorry for the mess" or "thanks for cleaning it up". I am beyond fuming about this and many other things. Don't really want to get into it here.
  • Because of the mess I walked into this morning (also had my nephew with me because my sister had a doc appointment, so I had to play it cool and act like everything was fine), my brain is totally scrambled. I can't seem to get any work done and there is SO MUCH to do, both for the dept. and for my personal life. I'm screwed.
See what I mean? All over the place. And a mix of good, bad, and just plain frustrating. I'm really hoping the day improves so I can focus on happy things like house hunting.

August 09, 2012

Now that I have calmed down a little

So the interview I wrote about that was on Monday? That is the place that offered M a job! :-D

He surprised me at work and I burst into tears as soon as he told me. I cried so loud, people wandered in asking if everything was okay, haha! I said it was MORE than okay!

I seriously feel like I have won the lottery...My thoughts are all over the place. *Everything* has been waiting on this. We can buy a house - hell, we *have* to buy a house (M currently will have an hour commute to work from our apartment), we can get a dog, we can pay off debts, we can start saving for a vacation, a baby, a new car! OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod!!! Its just too good to be true!!

Everything I was worried about, everything we had to cut back on or go without completely, feeling like our lives were at a stand-still - its all over! I can breathe again! Its like Tami said in a comment: 10,000 lbs have been lifted off my shoulders. We are going to be okay. We are going to be okay!!!

I feel so relieved, so giddy, so...unworthy of this level of happiness - I seriously think I would be okay if it took us another year to get pregnant. This is enough, this can sustain me. This forward momentum in our lives just clears away all the shadows of doom and gloom.

I can't wait to start house hunting!! Thank God we didn't have to tap into the money we set aside for a down payment. There are several lovely houses in the area we would be looking that are well within our price range. I don't want to be house poor, so we are being conservative with the amount we want to spend. We've only ever lived in apartments, so there's going to be a big learning curve. Bills will go up, I know - electric, gas, WATER (we pay a flat rate right now). But I am so ready for the challenge! We got through under-employment, we're surviving infertility, we can handle anything ::beams:: Are you sick of my enthusiasm yet??? LOL!

Thank you all for being out there in blog-land to offer encouragement and kind words while we were going through this. It was almost as big an obstacle as infertility. It has meant the world to me to have somewhere to go and vent my frustrations about life, not just my empty uterus. You girls are so good to me :-) Thank you!

Not Every Prayer is About Infertility...

MY HUSBAND HAS A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

August 08, 2012

9DPO: An Interview and Symptoms

M had another interview yesterday. My stomach was in knots all afternoon and I couldn't focus on *anything*. He finally called me an hour and a half after his interview time and put me out of my misery XD

The interview went well, he feels confident about it. But he was the first person and we don't know how many others are being interviewed. We also don't have a very specific time frame for when they want to have the position filled - just "soon". Well, soon to me is by the end of the week, and somehow I don't think that's what they meant. I hate ambiguous time frame terms...

So we get to go back to waiting. Wait for a phone call, wait for an email, wait for a letter. Wait for spotting to start, wait for my temps to drop, wait to test...

Thank God its Wednesday. Every day moves me that much closer to testing and ending the "What If" misery. I am not a symptom spotter for the most part. Partly because I rarely get any symptoms other than sore boobs and partly because a 2ww with any real shot at being pregnant, for me, is more rare than a Blue Moon.

Having said that, I am, at the moment, trying very hard to NOT tell myself that my extreme lethargy, recent sensitivity to odd smells, and queasy stomach are related to an egg and sperm combining and happily snuggling into my uterus. That is not happening... ::sigh:: I think. I don't know. I'm probably making it all up in my head. Its not gonna stop me from making excuses about not going to my work out class this morning...I'd rather go for a walk anyway.

Why is the second half of the two week wait so much harder than the first???

August 06, 2012

7DPO and Counting...

I went in for my progesterone blood draw this morning. Fastest visit to the lab *ever*.

My temps are still high and, even better, not a hint of spotting yet. On my few non-medicated cycles, I usually started spotting around 7DPO. I think its symptomatic of poor ovulation quality and a crappy corpus luteum progesterone output. On medicated cycles, I don't usually spot until 12 or 13 DPO - probably due to a better egg and corpus luteum. But I always *always* spot before my period, medicated cycle or not.

So, not spotting today is a good sign of strong ovulation, but I won't allow myself to hope for more than that just yet. I will probably test on 13 or 14 DPO. If there's no spotting up til then, I will be very anxious to see what the test says. f I am spotting, the test is a perfunctory act to clear my conscience before I start drinking.

Ooh, I just looked at the calendar. My sister and her BFF always plan a "Girls' Weekend" in the summer. We all get together at someone's house on a Friday, kick out all the boys, and hang out for 3 days straight crafting, cooking, and watching movies. Its this coming weekend, which means if I test on 13 DPO (Sunday, 8/12), I'll be among friends whether good news or bad, alcohol can be on hand, and I'll have a whole day to recover before going to work. That sounds like the best possible scenario, even if one of the gals there just found out she's having an "oops" baby (apparently, condoms don't work well enough). She's not exactly in my "cohort" as it were, so for some reason that means it bothers me less.

Cross your fingers that I make it through the week and weekend with NO SPOTTING!

August 03, 2012


Every morning I wake up, glance at the clock and grab my thermometer. While I wait for the beep, I keep my eyes closed and I chant to myself low numbers, preparing myself in case I don't see what I want. But every morning so far has been higher than the last! And that's with a fan blowing across me all night (darn hot flashes!) *and* waking up about 30 minutes earlier than usual.

Also, I am exhausted! Thursday in my workout class was hell on Earth because I had *no* energy. I'm getting better sleep now that I have a fan blowing on me, but I still feel like I could go to bed at 7:30. I am telling myself this is because I have tons of progesterone coursing through my system. Monday I will go in for blood work  to confirm ovulation. I'm not even worried about it - look at me! That's real personal growth, LOL! I know the number will be good - I am curious about what it will be, exactly. My RE's office won't call me if the number does support ovulation, so I guess I'll have to wait for my next CD3 ultrasound to ask what the number was.

But then, I can always *hope* there won't be a next CD3....

August 01, 2012

Two Week Wait!

I made it!!! Negative OPK yesterday afternoon and a second high temp today has me convinced I may have actually ovulated *and* gotten in well-timed lovin' with M. I actually have some reason to be hopeful for a positive outcome! That's only the...second time this has happened in a year and a half of TTC! Maybe three...regardless, the statistic is abysmally low.

I can't even tell you how happy this makes me, but I guess I'll try! This means the surgery has helped - the ovarian drilling was definitely worth it! I think I would recommend the surgery to other PCOSers who are in the same boat as me: a "thin" PCOS (I am not thin by normal accounts, but according to the PCOS standard, I am), on metformin with little improvement, poor or no response to clomid, and hyper Poly-cystic ovaries (I had a ton of tiny follicles every month, more than your average PCOSer). The time I had to take off in order to do this was definitely worth it. The tiny little scars on my tummy are *totally* worth it. I guess the real test, however, is going to be next month. Will 100mg clomid without a trigger work twice in a row? History says it will not. When I have ovulated on clomid, it has never worked the second month. Although, I can always hope there won't *be* a second month of clomid because we got in 2 nights of sexy-time right before I (hopefully) ovulated. The only other cycle that gave me this much hope was my IUI back in March.

I'm back in the game, baby!