September 27, 2012

More IF Music

I am not a fan of what I would call "praise" music in the Christian Genre. It takes a special song to needle its way into my heart despite my initial reservations when I know its "praise music". But this song just makes me want to cry and a good way, if that makes sense. Its definitely being added to my Infertility Music Mix.

Please to enjoy...

September 25, 2012

Back in the Stirrups Again

I did get to squeeze into the schedule for today and have an u/s. We are good to go for this cycle, mixing things up a bit with clomid CD5-10, including a double dose today. Also we are doing a trigger shot this month, mostly because I've got one hanging around the back of my fridge and its going to expire in a month.

The Guru told me he feels like we are in the fine tuning stages of treatment with me, rather than wildly vacillating trying to figure out something, anything that works. That actually made me feel pretty good. Plus one of the songs from my infertility mix played on the radio while I was headed to my appointment. I count that as good luck, not that that's worth much.

I have a new obsession lately: audiobooks. Now that they are available in digital form, its so easy to borrow an audiobook from the library and load it on my iPhone! Okay, that is a patent lie. In theory, it is easy. In practice, the first audiobook I got required about 4 hours of screaming, raving, coercing, and willing myself *not* to throw my laptop at a wall. First the audiobook software didn't like my computer, then when I solved that problem, my iPhone decided to be a total butthead and refuse to tell me where the files were that it had *just* downloaded. There's even a handy dandy section in the iPod app *for* audiobooks, but of course it wasn't in there. The first book, "Bossypants" (so funny, you MUST read!!) turned up as an empty playlist in my iPod. Using the phone's search function, I was able to pull up the audio files and play the book, but now that I'm done, I have no way of deleting it because my phone doesn't actually *show* the files wherever they supposedly are being kept. Its a very strange problem that I'm sure I'm not articulating well...

The second book was much easier to download now that I knew the weirdness I'd have to deal with. It loaded onto my phone as an album in my iPod, which is nice in that the phone is actually showing me the files in a location where I can then delete them, but its unfortunate because the files play like a song and not a book. I don't get certain controls like rewind 15 seconds, fast forward 15 seconds, and double-time the talking speed. Oh well, at least I can listen to The Hunger Games while I drive, work, cook, crochet, and lay in bed trying to get sleepy. Yes, I am very late to the show, but I'm *finally* reading (listening to...whatever) The Hunger Games. I plan on watching the moving once I've finished the first book.

The Guru briefly discussed our future treatment plans before ending my appointment. We agreed that if I'm not pregnant by the end of the year, we should bump up to IUI's, probably still going with whatever protocol is getting me to ovulate. We do still have the minor issue of M's not so stellar swimmers to contend with, afterall.

Super fun times here guys, I cannot even tell you. Poor normal people, sitting out there, getting pregnant at home without specialists, nurses, drugs, bloodwork - I mean, c'mon, where's the fun in *that*? Amiright? ;-)

September 24, 2012

Infertility Continues to be Cruel

Am I crazy, or just *very* empathetic, for literally crying when I heard the news? I don't care who or what it is affecting, the injustice of infertility makes my heart cry out for them all: "How long, oh Lord, how long??"

My ten year high school reunion was this past weekend. I remember thinking I had plenty of time to get big and pregnant for this ridiculous social event. Cute, huh?

Fortunately there's weren't too many bellies to avoid, and none of my close high school friends are pregnant, so I got rather lucky. I can't help wondering what the 20 year reunion will be like...

One of my girlfriends flew in from New York for the event. We keep up on Facebook, but don't actually have full conversations often. She talked about wanting to get married and hoping her boyfriend of 3 years will finally *finally* propose. She has given him a bit of an ultimatum and described how she sees two futures in front of her: one where he proposes and they can move forward with their lives together - the other where she has to leave him because she's not willing to wait forever. She said its weird living as though both of those futures are true simultaneously.

Don't I know it. I live everyday walking the weird line between a future with children (more likely *child*) and a future without them. I simply don't know which one will come to be, so I have to live and prepare for them both at the same time. It is difficult, but I try to remind myself frequently that no matter what happens *I will be okay*. In this one small respect I guess my faith has grown. I trust God to put me on the path I need to be on and to make me able to handle whatever happens on that path in regards to children.

I'm not sure if there will be a cycle in October. Friday AF showed up much later than she normally would and I completely forgot to call the RE's office to leave a message for an ultrasound. Today is CD4 and I left a message this morning asking about it. I don't know if they will squeeze me in on CD5 and start my meds same day, or if they'll just tell me to sit out a cycle due to bad timing.

At the moment I don't really care. I'm in a terrible mood, work is not helping, and I am so sad that M and I may have to walk away from our dream house because it needs a roof. We submit the post-inspection paperwork to the sellers today and they could take up to 8 days to get back to us. I've gotten a lot better at dealing with disappointment, but it still sucks. We'll just have to see what happens...

September 19, 2012

I am Becoming Immune

After a year and 9 months of this bullshit, I am finally becoming numb to the monthly BFN. It helps that I have figured out the warning sign my body gives me before AF arrives. I always always spot a few days in advance. In more naive times, I would obsessively scour the internet for "proof" that spotting did not necessarily count me out for a BFP. And honestly, you can search for anything online and find "proof". I could probably google "Exercising causes growth of third eye" and would get some hits. But the fact of the matter is, even if *other* women may spot and still get a BFP, I never have. And I have come to accept what the truth is for me personally.

That's hard to do, isn't it? Millions of women get pregnant everyday and we all hear plenty of "helpful" anecdotal advice from some one else's personal experience. But that's *their* experience. *Their* body. Not mine.

Now that I am well and truly over the fact that I will not be a young mother like my mother was, I feel like I could do this kind of forever. I'm not exactly emotionally invested in every cycle the way I used to be. Is this good? Possibly. Is it maybe a little sad too? Probably. Such is life with infertility, huh?

So, let's do another cycle, eh? What do you think: clomid with a trigger or femara with a trigger? I'm ready to be done with clomid and I can finally afford the more expensive femara. But I'm concerned about dosing. Have any of you switched from clomid to femara and did your Dr. seem to know that 100mg of clomid equates to so much femara? Or do you have to start all over again with low doses, increasing each cycle until it works? Cause I don't think I'm up for that... I stand by my promise to myself before my surgery this year: if I can't reliably ovulate each month by the end of 2012, I am taking a big ass break and thinking things over.

I had pretty much fallen off the wagon of taking my metformin reliably for about a month and I'm finally back on schedule. So proud of me. I remember when I went off BCPs and spironolactone in order to TTC, I thought "wow, I will finally stop taking so many freaking pills!" And I am now Laughing My Fucking Ass Off at how young and stupid I was. I am now taking 10 pills a day - more than that while I'm taking clomid!

I feel like this post is kind of all over the place, with non-existent segues between topics... Let's throw one more out there!

Do you know what it takes to get on the show House Hunters? I love that show and I told M when we started looking at houses for real I wanted to apply to be on the show. So after we put an offer on our dream house, I went to the HGTV website and followed the links to the application for the show. Really thought that was it. A week later, I got an email from one of the casting directors for the show! They wanted to know more about us and our home shopping story. So I emailed back a more detailed explanation of our situation. I got another email back! They like our story and are very interested, now please fill out all this paperwork and make a 7 minute video bearing in mind all of these questions and requirements. Also, make your realtor jump through a bunch of hoops and remind her we will pay her NOTHING for her time and trouble. Wow. Why did I think the process would somehow be simpler than that? It would take me at least 2 weeks to get all this completed and by then we'd be closing on the house and moving. There's no way we'd be able to take 5 days out of our work and personal schedules at that point to do all the filming they need. Small dream of reality tv: crushed. Ah well, its a silly dream anyway ;-) I will still get my house.

September 16, 2012

Quick Update

My RE's office never called last week, which means I really did ovulate afterall. Today I noticed some very faint spotting, right on schedule according to prior cycles. That means I can pretty much assume this cycle is a BFN, but I already expected that. I guess we move on.

In other news, we signed all the paperwork and are under contract for our dream house! Inspections are this coming Thursday and I'm hoping and praying there are no major problems. I may not be able to control my fertility, but I do have some control over where I live!

September 12, 2012

I'm a Bad Bloggy Friend

I swear I'm still here. And I swear I am keeping up with all of you. My heart swells with joy for some and with sadness and empathy for others. Even though I haven't been commenting, I am here and I love you all.

My weird-ass cycle will soon be coming to an end. I am 7-ish days post O? All my temps since late last week have been in the post O range for me. This morning I finally decided to get blood drawn for a progesterone check. If Dr. B's office doesn't call me, then I will know I definitely ovulated.

I don't hold out any hope for being pregnant. The cold I had (of which the cough still lingers a little) really messed with my symptoms and my timing, so we probably didn't have sex within the window but once. At this point I would be happy with proof of ovulation. Even if I did have a good ovulation I think I want to discuss using Femara and a trigger shot for the next cycle. At least I'm not stressing and freaking out.

Well, not about TTC anyway. Instead I'm stressing over house hunting. We decided to put an offer on the house we fell in love with. The seller's countered the next day and, after discussing with many people, we decided to accept! We sign the contract tonight and then its onto inspections! Holy cow this is going light-years faster than I expected! Maybe infertility has caused me to assume that all major life changes will move at a glacial pace, LOL. But this one certainly isn't.

I can't tell you guys just how scared and excited I am. Finally, finally, finally after all the waiting and heartache of the past year, a few things are going right. My husband has a very good, well paying job and we are buying a house! One month ago, if you had told me I would be about to sign a contract for the house of my dreams I would have scoffed. But here I am. So I think making progress in other areas of our lives makes the infertility much more tolerable for me. It certainly was easier to house hunt without having the immediate concern for children. The house we are buying is so perfect: space that just the two of us can use and not feel big and empty, but room for a child or two if we were so lucky.

I think I have prayed at least once a day for several days to express thanks and my feelings of total unworthiness for all the blessings of the past few weeks. It seems selfish to also ask for children, but ask I do.

I'm probably going to maintain a once a week or so posting schedule for a while. Work is so much busier now that school is in session and then also all the extra tasks in finalizing the house purchase. Plus *moving*! Hopefully in October. And then my sister will have the baby, so I'll be helping out with that. I imagine the rest of 2012 is going to fly by (and honestly, that would be great because the early half dragged on for an eternity). But I promise I will always stay up to date with each of you and keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

September 07, 2012

So Confused

After my last post, things got even weirder. I decided to use an OPK on Tuesday, kind of for gee whiz. It was very VERY positive, no doubt about it. So I was like "Oh....uhhhh....I guess we have sex tonight?"

Signs and symptoms have still been vague or absent. I've had passing breast tenderness and I did notice more EXCM on Tuesday. But I temped every morning this week and it was stubbornly low. Last night I was counting in my head and decided that next week, maybe on Tuesday, I should go get my progesterone tested just to give the RE's office some definitive proof one way or the other about this cycle. I dutifully popped the thermometer in my mouth this morning after making sure I didn't wake up with my jaw hanging wide open: 98.58. That is very definitely in the Post-O temp range for me.

Seriously? This is not conclusive data, this is just *annoying* at this point. Whatever. I will continue to temp to try to track a trend (or lack thereof) and get my blood drawn Tuesday or Wednesday. I am so ready to just move on to Femara with a trigger shot. Clomid and I have never had a good relationship and its only gotten worse. Lyingpieceofshitbitchpills...

In more certain and pleasant news: More house hunting on Sunday!! We have fallen head over heels in love with a house already, but the list price is at the top of our range. We decided beforehand that we would only be willing to purchase at the top of our price range if the home was completely and utterly move in ready - didn't need a thing done to it. This house does not quite meet those specifications. We are concerned the sellers won't negotiate, so I am preparing myself for a big letdown with that just in case. At least M and I are agreed that we would walk away from that house if the sellers don't negotiate.

Oh, other good news I almost forgot about. Well, this is actually a mixed bag of good and bad. I don't have a gluten sensitivity!!!! I can eat stuff!!!! ........Wait, why am I so itchy then?? Hopefully the dermatologist can give me some answers at my appointment on Tuesday.

September 04, 2012

Bad Timing

This rotten cold I've been fighting since last week is ruining my cycle. I got what I thought was a positive OPK on Saturday, worked up the energy for sexy time, then failed to remember to use an OPK on Sunday and simply had zero interest in sex the rest of the weekend. Hard to feel sexy when you are a giant, coughing snot-ball :-P

I did remember to use an OPK on Monday and it was definitely negative. But, if I have ovulated, nobody told my temperature. Or alternatively, the fitful, mouth-breathing sleep I've been getting is messing with my temps. 97.58 this morning, well below my typical post-O temps.

Not really sure where this leaves us. I did not get many tell-tale ovulation symptoms like last month, but again, being sick really screws with my ability to tune into my body. I guess I'll just keep looking for a temp shift this week and call Dr. B on Friday if there's nothing.

Its hard to be surprised by any of this, if it turns out I didn't O. My body is just *so good* at being fucked up. If this cycle is a bust I'm going to ask to try femara with a trigger shot. I still have a leftover shot hanging out in my fridge anyway. If I can't get regularly ovulating by the end of the year I am taking another break and strongly considering ending our attempts for a biological child. I just can't let this problem rule and ruin my life. What is the point of beating your head against a wall that shows no sign of breaking or budging?

Adoption still sits out there in the ether as a future option. My employer and M's employer both offer adoption assistance, which is why it is not cost prohibitive as opposed to IVF. I think I would wait until I turn 30 at least to move forward with that though. It would probably take that long if not longer to change gears and think about having a kid without ever experiencing pregnancy, without my family's traits being in there somewhere...::sigh:: Ah well, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. Maybe I'll just live out my life as a fabulous aunt to two very lucky nephews, heh.