Zen and the Art of Infertility Maintenance

I had my "what now?" appointment with Dr. B this morning. It was the least stressful appointment I think I have had in the past 2 years. I was completely zen. The only thing that remotely bothered me was when he went on a little tangent about IVF being the best bang for your buck. I told him I have not made up my mind as to whether we would ever pursue IVF and he backed off and said that he's not trying to talk me into it or anything, just making sure that I have all the information for deciding our method of treatment.

I did remember to ask about Femara and Dr. B was totally on board with using it. Yay! Goodbye nasty Clomid side effects! And the nurses told me a generic has been released for Femara in the last year or so, so hopefully the cost isn't too bad. One thing I do like about Dr. B is how laid back he is about my timeline. He reassured me that, in the infertility world, I'm very young still. No rush to get this accomplished nowdammitnow. When I was new to all this, that bothered me. Because I *did* feel very NOWDAMMITNOW about getting pregnant. I'm so glad I have relaxed in recent months.

So, the plan:

For now, we are planning on starting IUI cycles in March, using 5 mg(?) Femara and an Ovidrel shot . At this practice, they typically do 3 months of the same treatment and if you are cycling, but not pregnant, after 3 they re-assess the treatment plan. Apart from increasing or lengthening the dose of Femara, I don't have any more options other than IVF. Dr. B has made it clear he thinks it is too risky and not worth the expense for me to do stimming with IUI and I agree. That leaves IVF and adoption. And I think we all know I have not conclusively made up my mind about either. I worry that IVF would make me a crazy person, but I suppose there is the same risk with pursuing adoption. And I don't exactly know how my husband feels about either of these options because he is mostly mum (but supportive) on all things IF and just lets me take the lead. But IVF and adoption are a REALLY big deal, something that he would need to have a definite opinion on before I'd be willing to move forward.

Besides the emotional and psychological side of considering IVF and adoption, there's the money. Oh, the money. Dr. B says a fresh IVF cycle is $12,000 and a subsequent FET (if necessary and possible) is about $1800. Domestic adoption is roughly $20,000 on the low end if you go through an agency (I guess there are a lot of "cut out the middle man" ways to adopt now, but they come with more risks). But we have benefit support to help pay for adoption. IVF would be almost 100% out of pocket. Either way, its a lot of money. A lot of money just to have the *chance* to have a baby - still no guarantee.

Am I unworthy of being a parent if I say that *all* that effort and *all* that money, just for a chance (even if it is a good chance), is not worth the risk? Does that mean I don't want it enough? I'm not trying hard enough? I don't think so, but I hope I wouldn't have to deal with those questions from other people for the rest of my life if I end up child-free. As though someone would say "Well you *chose* child-free if you didn't pursue these other avenues, so you've no room to be sad or bitter!"

I just want to let the chips fall where they may and not be judged for it, you know? Even within our community there is risk of judgement. There was a prominent blogger who announced she was done with IVF after 2 rounds because she worried the risks were not worth the possible benefit. She got slammed by a lot of fellow IFers. I commented that I wondered if the root of the issue was that they did not feel she had tried hard enough and conversely that they felt she was insinuating other people were trying "too hard". Regardless, I gotta do what's right for me, whatever the limit is. For now, I'm gonna think small and focus on gearing up for more TTC.