March 28, 2013

Digging Deep

I have read, and I have probably even said, that going through fertility treatments takes great strength. I believe that. And yet, I don't feel strong at all. I feel incredibly weak and broken. If I am whole, I am littered with cracks and chinks - so very fragile.

Today I feel normal, like myself, for the first time in 2 weeks. Last night, while I cried on M's shoulder, I told him he is enough for me. I don't *have* to have children. I *want* to have children. He said that I am all he ever wanted. I said I am willing to do another IUI in May and hope that I won't have the same extreme reaction to the meds. If I don't become a basket case at the end of that cycle, I can go through with the third and final IUI. If I *do* have a very strong reaction to the meds again, I am done. There is no point putting myself through the emotional meat-grinder ad infinitum when this clearly isn't working.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time exploring child free not by choice blogs. The room no one wants to enter on the Stirrup Queens' Blogroll. Every Infertile's worst nightmare. Their blogs are proof to me that there is life after treatment cessation, and it does not have to be full of sorrow over what might have been and crying over daily reminders of what you don't have. I also learned something important from their stories. By the time they finally stopped treatments, most of them were so emotionally exhausted, so completely heartbroken by their struggles, that they could not even consider other avenues of having children. They didn't have it left in them to go through the process of adoption even if they wanted to because of how much infertility treatments had scarred them. Others had kept at treatments into their 40's and were "too old for consideration" by many adoption agencies (public adoptions aren't as strict, but its very hard to adopt an infant that way).

Not that I am judging their (or anyone's) choices, but I don't want to be that. I don't want to keep at this until I am a beaten, bloody pulp, completely unrecognizable even to myself. That's not how I would choose to end it. I think IVF would do that to me. IUI is already practically doing that to me. I want to say enough is enough while I still have years left to grieve my loss, think about pursuing adoption, and enough of my heart and mind still in tact to carry me through the difficult filing process if that's what we choose to do. I'm not willing to let the pursuit of children destroy me and my relationships with other people. I can make peace with my life without having to go that far.

I know that medicated cycling makes me crazy. I also know that when I am *not* cycling, I am normal. I can see babies, mothers, pregnant women, and NOT want to hang myself. Yes it hurts, but it DOES NOT ruin my day. And I can keep in mind all of the wonderful things I *do* have, and the experiences that are possible in a future without children.

So I am digging deep, finding the strength to get back on the hormone roller coaster at least one more time. I can see the exit in the distance, and that definitely helps for now.

10 comments:

  1. I can hear you so well.... I am in the same position, just that I have gone further on treatment with 3 failed IVF and on my way to the 4th. I am ready to give up on treatment, and so scarred from failure that adoption is not on my radar. It feels impossible after so much heartache to get into the phantom of filing for adoption. Hope you can get resolution that makes you both comfortable. Hugs

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    1. I am in awe of your ability to go through IVF, and more than once at that! That shows so much inner strength. I'm really sorry that you and I are in the same position, looking at the end of the road to biological children. If you are thinking of stopping treatments, finding some Childless Not By Choice blogs to read can be very helpful and therapeutic. Good luck whatever you choose to do!

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  2. I feel the same way as you do. Though we are still on medicated cycles without any insemination, I can't say that I'm willing to let this go on indefinitely. If/went we get to the IVF point in the road, it will either be IVF or adoption, not both, and maybe not either. We have to live our lives!

    www.auntmimi2010.blogspot.com

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    1. Exactly! We *do* have to live our lives and we are so much more than our broken reproductive parts. I feel very confident about my plan to move on to researching adoption as a next step because I know I can take my time to really think it over before I would pull the trigger. I'm not yet 30, so there is plenty of time, no rush.

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  3. Hope that you find peace and happiness in any of the paths you choose.

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    1. I think that's all I really want from this experience, peace and happiness. If that comes in the form of a child, great - but it CAN come in other ways and that is very re-assuring.

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  4. Agree with above - wishing you tonnnns of peace and happiness, m'lady. Wherever you get I'm in total support and fully on board. Something amazing is coming.

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    1. Thank you! I know I've got support from my online ladies, I just have to learn to let thoughtless comments from the general public roll off my back.

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  5. I too am struggling with the decision to resume fertility treatments. We still have options but I cant seem to bring myself to resume fertility treatments. I also don't want to find myself broken and worn down at the end of all this. I am seriously leaning towards the childfree option right now, but its hard to let go when you still have options...

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    1. That's the crux - as humans we are generally not used to "giving up" on something when there are still options and chances out there. But there is SO MUCH else to consider besides medical options and chances. I wish you all the luck in this difficult decision - hopefully we can both find a life that makes us happy.

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