April 09, 2013


That's the question, isn't it? We all ask it. All the time. About everything that relates to our struggles to conceive.

Why us? Why this? Why didn't that treatment work? Why am I not pregnant? Why why WHY??

And there are rarely answers... Except for this time.

I know why I didn't get pregnant last month, and possibly any of the other months I have tried for the past 2 years. I know why I haven't been blessed and burdened with the responsibility of a tiny human who relies heavily on my time and attention.

Last Monday (April Fools Day in the States, how fitting), my Mom lost the ability to use her legs, maybe forever. She got up for the day, like any other day, and soon after experienced a partial infarction of her spinal cord. A stroke in the spinal cord some doctors say.

There was no reason for this. My mother is not at risk for a stroke of any kind. She is a very healthy 56 year old who's only serious condition is psoriatic arthritis. The doctors (there are so many of them now) stare at her, baffled. It is as though God reach down through the clouds and touched her back.

I can't really describe the past week. It has been at times hopeful, and at times, horrifying. Sometimes it feels like nothing will ever be okay again. And sometimes I believe that miracles are possible, and she may yet walk again. She is alive, that's something. She didn't break anything when her legs gave out, that's something too.

Thank God I'm not pregnant.

There, I said it.

I was able to be fully there for my mom and dad during one of the scariest weeks of their lives. I was in a unique position to drop everything and just be available for anything at any time. That has meant the world to me. My sister can't do it, she has Bear and A to look after. And we all have to pitch in to help my brother adjust because his Asperger's makes events like this 10 times as scary for him. I filled a role that only I could and only because I don't have any kids and I'm not pregnant.

I never thought I would be thankful for NOT being pregnant, but I know better now.

They are still trying to figure out how all this happened. My mom still has a lot of pain and the doctors are attempting to manage it in a way that lets her lead a normal life. And no one knows how much of her functions she will regain. She moved to an inpatient rehab center where she will learn the tricks to living as a paraplegic. We continue to pray that it is God's will she walk again.

Until things settle down, until I know Mom will be okay, until I know if she can live at home or if my parents will have to buy a one story house, I'm taking another treatment break. I was already starting to come to terms with a child-free life, so I haven't given it a second thought. It seemed obvious and natural. The family I *have* will always come before the family that *may be*. There are so many life lessons I am learning from this horrible experience. And I am bemused at the way I have received an answer to my so often sobbed question: Why?