February 11, 2015

It Really Was Going Too Well

Fuck you universe. Fuck. You.

I think I have dealt admirably with everything life has thrown at me in 31 years. And I have learned to move on, to heal, to make do, and to find the good in truly shitty situations. And I have been so happy ever since M and I committed ourselves to adopting, no matter the pain that came before and which still lingers a little. We are planning, we are saving, we are staying positive.

So why are we being punished with a broken car? Hm? What fucking lesson am I still learning that necessitated this new problem? I have sucked it up and said "okay" to the outrageous idea that just because I can't squeeze out my own offspring, that it is justifiable I be saddled with a $30,000 price tag for having a family (heaven forbid we decide we want 2 kids!). And if that price is 100% necessary, why can’t I fucking catch a break in the rest of my life so that I don’t have to feel like I am choosing between a safe/reliable car for M or having a goddamn family? Not many people are “blessed” with that particular challenge. Lucky. Fucking. Us.

We *were* on track to be done saving after this year. We *were* going to be able to pursue adoption without digging ourselves into bedrock, financially. But no, that's just too good, too kind of God. Clearly we needed this journey to be HARDER, because dammit, it hasn't been enough of a challenge. We were finding *way* too much joy in this pursuit. It should break us. Then we might deserve to reach the other end of the rainbow.

It's not just the addition of a new monthly loan payment that upsets me, though that will drastically restrict our ability to save within our anticipated time-frame. Its that we will have to *take* money already saved and use it for this, instead of for our FUTURE CHILD.

I hate and despise everything today and there are no words to make it better. I will calm down, I have to for M's sake, but right now I get to be as fucking pissed off as I want because this is NOT FAIR.

February 04, 2015

Real Progress!

I have made a lot of personal progress since Christmas: We announced our adoption plans to our greater circle of family and friends on Face.book just as we had mailed off our application to the Agency! It was exciting and scary at the same time. You never know what well-meaning but ultimately hurtful thing people might say. And after the years of infertility, I'm pretty tired of smiling through the hurt just to spare the other person's feelings. But it went *really* well and gave me courage to make the announcement at work as well. So now it is totally out there and I can stop having whisper conversations at my desk.

Shortly after we mailed out the first bit of paperwork (and the first of so many fees), we got a confirmation email and instructions to keep working on the rest of our paperwork while we wait for them to schedule classes. I started to get nervous that classes wouldn't happen until late March or into April. I'm really hoping that we will be waiting for our match by the end of the year (and I think that is a reasonable timeline, right?). Well, yesterday M called on his way to lunch and asked if I'd checked my non-work email yet because we got another message from the Agency: Classes are scheduled!!! They start the last week of February!!

I am so excited! For some reason, the paperwork part wasn't helping to make our adoption pursuit "real" for me, you know? Announcing it did help some. But in my mind, a lot of meaning is tied into the education classes. It will be really real. We will be making noticeable progress towards our end goal. We will meet other couples who we will hopefully become close with while we all wait and hope. We will have a community. This is all just so awesome!

The one thing that bummed me out a bit from the email was the news that we have to attend separate CPR and Infant Care classes. Meaning I have to go to a hospital course. Full of pregnant women. Just a little bit like my worst nightmare...

My sister gave me good advice for handling it, though. She said to remember that I don't know if any of those women have also struggled with infertility and maybe they are so excited because it finally worked - or maybe they are terrified because it finally worked, but they could still lose their baby. I will work hard to bear this in mind to temper my own emotions during the class.