June 04, 2015

Wildly Vacillating Emotions

I am so excited to be a mom! Wheeeee!!!

I am so terrified of introducing an infant into our daily lives! Aaaaaagh!!!

We're gonna have a baby! Eeeeeeeee!!!

We're going to ruin our marriage! Heeeeeelp!!!

That kind of sums up for you where my head is at these days - which is to say limitless joy and bottomless terror and all points between just for good measure.

I know I can't be the only person to look at impending parenthood and feel this see-saw of emotions, but I still feel alone in it. We worked so hard for this, so long for this - I must *really* want it, right? I must be nearly desperate for that baby, for motherhood, for my life to make a 180 degree turn and look nothing like my current existence.

Well, no. I rather like my current existence, actually. If I've had a bad day at work, I get to come home and binge-watch Stargate episodes if I want to. I sleep in until 8 on Saturdays. We can have sex whenever we want!

Half the time, I am so excited to be matched and placed. I can't wait to be a mommy and do all those parent-y things. But the other half of the time I am gripped in terror that I am inviting big trouble into my life. What if M and I start fighting all the time? What if our baby just has one of those temperaments where they cry all. the. time. What if M only *thinks* he wants kids, but then, when we have one, he doesn't want to change diapers, do bath time, or car pool to Little League?  I am so scared that right now my life is perfect and I am about to destroy that perfection forever. Literally so scared that M need only say the word and I would probably drop this whole adoption thing.

Is that okay? Is that normal? I sometimes think I must not want children that much if I'm having these thoughts...but then I insist to myself that other people probably feel this way too and they just don't talk about it. Infertility and adopting both give you soooo much time to sit and think about all the things that could go wrong. I hate that ::sigh::

I will just keep working on our profile, and enjoying the way our life is now because it has a term limit. And I will breathe and remind myself that that is okay.