July 29, 2016


"All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here suddenly I see
Standing here it's all so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you"

On a random Tuesday morning, when you are more concerned about the minutia of your office work than the big What Ifs of your future - that's when it happens. And I didn't even get the call - I *missed* the call. And the voicemail. And the other calls from M. And all his text messages:

"Call me asap"

"We were picked"

"Baby is here"

Baby is here? Now? We weren't just chosen for a hypothetical placement that may or may not take place - the baby is HERE and then we were picked?

Instant dizzy, instant tears, instant "HOLY FUCK!"

We were called on Tuesday morning, July 5th, and by 5pm on Friday, July 8th, we were parents. It was that quick. Five and a half years after I first tossed the birth control pills, it happened just that fast. I don't think I've finished processing it, even after 3 weeks.

My someday-baby, my maybe-baby, my dream-that-may-never-happen-and-I-need-to-be-okay-with-that-Baby. She is real and she is here and I can't believe how terrified, humbled, and full of love I felt from the moment I held her tiny. tiny hand.

My A.

My beautiful, amazing daughter, A.